Your favorite merchant, me, Rialto, has been drinking heavily again. 

Frost bites at my windows while I watch these silk-wrapped Aquilonians shuffle through the market square, arms laden with ribboned boxes and glittering trinkets. Makes my merchant’s heart sing, truly. But it got me thinking about our favorite Cimmerian – you know the one. Seven feet of muscle and mayhem, probably currently splitting someone’s skull somewhere far more interesting than this.

Could you imagine trying to hand him a wrapped present? Ha! I’ve seen braver men soil themselves just passing him in a tavern. Still, a merchant’s mind wanders, especially after the fourth cup of mulled wine (or was it the seventh?) about what Conan would even want for Chirstmas?

Let’s explore this properly debauched thought together, shall we? What would you get for the barbarian who takes everything he wants anyway?

Would Conan Want a Fancy Sword for Christmas?

Ha! While many might assume the mighty barbarian would desire a jewel-encrusted blade or some ancient magical weapon, the truth speaks otherwise. Throughout his chronicles, Conan has shown himself to be remarkably practical about his weapons. He’s just as likely to grab a broken table leg in a tavern brawl as he is to wield a king’s sword in battle. Our barbarian friend tends to view weapons as tools rather than treasures – they’re meant to split skulls, not gather dust on display!

Would Conan Want Gold and Jewels?

Now here’s an interesting thought! While Conan certainly acquires his share of riches throughout his adventures, he’s never been one to hoard wealth. When Conan has gold, it flows through his fingers like water in a stream. He lives exactly the same way whether his purse is fat or lean – the only difference being the quality of his wine and the quantity of his feast! A true gift of gold would likely end up spent on a magnificent celebration at the nearest tavern.

Would Conan Want Fine Art or Cultural Artifacts?

Surprisingly, our barbarian isn’t as uncultured as many might assume! Despite his barbaric nature, Conan has shown appreciation for the finer things in life, particularly during his time as king. He’s even demonstrated reluctance to harm artists, as evidenced by his interaction with Rinaldo. Perhaps a fine painting or a skilled bard’s performance might catch his eye – though he’d never admit it to his barbaric brethren!

Would Conan Want Maps and Ancient Knowledge?

While Conan isn’t exactly known for being a scholar, he’s demonstrated a keen interest in practical knowledge throughout his adventures. Maps leading to ancient treasures? Battle strategies from long-dead generals? These might actually pique his interest!

The True Meaning of Crom’s-mas

But here’s something I’ve learned, watching that massive Cimmerian stomp through the years. You can’t wrap freedom in pretty paper. Can’t tie a silk bow around the thrill of splitting skulls. Trust me, I’ve tried – customers ask for the strangest things.

Conan? He just wants to live until he dies. Simple as blood in snow. Beautiful as steel through bone. No gift-wrapped package will ever match the feeling of standing victorious over your enemies, wind in your hair, destiny yours to strangle with your bare hands.

And, speaking of strangling destiny – and speaking as someone who’s made a living selling things nobody needs to people with more gold than sense – my shop’s practically bursting with barbaric treasures that’d make any would-be warrior feel like they could take on the world. Or at least look good failing.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I see some customers with heavy purses and questionable judgment. May your Crom’s-mas be bloody, your mead be strong, and your coin find its way to my counter!