There’s been three movies about our favorite barbarian to date. The first two, Conan the Barbarian released in 1982, and Conan the Destroyer released in 1986, starred non other than Arnold Schwarzenegger. The third movie, also title Conan the Barbarian, came out in 2011 and featured Jason Momoa as Conan. They are all, I’m sure you’ll agree, quite different movies, but they all have some memorable quotes.
The Wizard, played by the late Mako, gets to open and close the classic Conan the Barbarian movie from 1982. The opening in particular, sets the tone in true Robert E. Howard fashion:
Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, Conan, destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!
After a, for Conan, somewhat confusing rendezvous in a hut, he runs into Subotai, played by Gerry Lopez. Subotai is chained and pleads for mercy.
Subotai: “I have not eaten for days.”
Conan: “And who says you will?”
The following exchange happens as Conan and his thief companion Subotai run into Valeria, played by Sandahl Bergman.
Conan: “You’re not a guard!”
Valeria: “Neither are you!”
Subotai: “We’re thieves! Ha! Like yourself. Come to climb the tower.”
Valeria: “You don’t even have a rope! Ha! Two fools who laugh at death. Do you know what horrors lie beyond that wall?”
Valeria: “Then you go first.”
Fun fact: Sandahl Bergman played the queen in the Red Sonja movie, which starred Brigitte Nielsen as Red Sonja, and Arnold Schwarzenegger as the barbarian Kalidor. Yes, that’s truly problematic, since the movie clearly tries to profit off the successful Conan movie.
King Osric, played by Max von Sydow, sure isn’t too happy about growing old. He has this to say to Conan and his friends, after they’ve been dragged to his castle.
There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father’s love for his child.
King Osric also has this to say, which makes him okay in our book:
What daring! What outrageousness! What insolence! What arrogance!… I salute you.
One would think that the villain Thulsa Doom, played by James Earl Jones, isn’t too fond of Conan and his escapades.
You broke into my house, stole my property, murdered by servants and my pets, and THAT is what grieves me the most! You killed my snake…
Conan is showing his barbarian heritage in Conan the Destroyer (1986), the slightly less popular follow-up to the 1982 classic.
Jehnna: “Conan! There are six of them against her!”
Conan: “One, two, three… I think you’re right.”
And who can forget this nugget?
Jehnna: “I suppose nothing hurts you.”
Conan: “Only pain.”
Jehnna is truly an entirely different character from Conan the Barbarian’s Valeria, who’d rather rush into dangers headfirst, but not before posing this question:
Do you want to live forever?
Jason Momoa’s Conan, in the 2011 Conan the Barbarian movie, has some classic lines as well.
I live, I love, I slay, and I am content.
He’s clearly not a fan of slavery either.
No man shall live in chains.
And knows how to introduce himself too.
Conan: “Do you have a name?”
Tamara: “My name is Tamara Amalia Jorvi Karushan. And yours is?”
Tamara: “Conan… that’s it?”
Conan: “How many names do I need?”
The best quote of them all should be obvious to all Conan fans, but in case you didn’t watch the 1982 classic Conan the Barbarian movie, this was Conan’s answer to what is best in life:
To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. And to hear the lamentations of their women.